Love, or Something Like That.

(no pork served)

This year, I am very happy. Two of the most detestable celebrations of the Calendar year are celebrated at the same day! Yup. I have been called worse names before (including an emotional fuckwit), but I still hate those two holidays. Chinese New Year, the days leading up to it are filled with NOISY songs, packed malls, traffic and garish reds. And the bald, big headed thingy with slanty eyes and a permanent smile on the face, whatever he is called. Businesses are closed, price of food increases by profiteering Chinamen and the never ending questions by inquisitive relatives asking the same questions which will be considered rude. Where are you working? How much are you earning now? My son wants to look for a good job, can help ah? Where is your wife?

A beautifully prepared Foir Gras with Mushroom Ragout. Seared outside, with a beautifully creamy texture inside. No hints of metallic taste, just sheer ecstasy. Sage. Am I in love?

Damn! Sometimes I feel like walking around with a sandwich board and writing down all the details of my life. And when I say relatives, I mean the kind that I get to see once in 2 or 3 years. Twice removed cousins and 3rd wife of 3rd uncle, three time removed. Or some uncle you have never seen in 10 years and suddenly comes up and offers you concerned advice. Yup, the same ones who did not give a shit whether we are starving or not after my father died and my Mum had to take care of us herself.

Tranche of Buri Fish with Wasabi Vinaigrette. Lovely morsels of Sashimi that is so fresh and beautiful with the delightfully refreshing Wasabi dressing. I swooned with each lovely nibble. Sage.

And Valentine's day. Whoever who came out with this pernicious idea should have a stalk of rose (with the thorns intact, please) stuffed into every opening of his body. And let's start with the nostrils. It is so commercialized and reeks of exploitation. Opportunists will come up with every trick from the book to equate love with how much you spend on your loved ones. A 1 dollar stalk of rose would be selling for 10 dollars on this day.

Herb Crusted Wagyu Beef with Tonkatsu Sauce. This beef was well done due to the braising prior to being baked. The smokiness of the tonkatsu sauce just complimented it so well. Heavenly Bliss. I am in love. Sage.

As long as we are on the subject of love, let me tell you about Robbie. Robbie has heart of gold and works in Oil and Gas in Bangkok. He has an abnormal fixation for Thai girls, and his girlfriends are usually harvested from some dingy bar at Soi Nana or Soi Cowboy. And he has been scammed by every clichéd scam from a bar girl's handbook for duping dumb foreigners in Thailand. From the freeloading brother in law who turns out to be his girlfriend's husband and "Honey, my mother needs an operation" tug at heart strings scam. But yet he persists with such such fervor and is a living example of the adage, A Fool and his Money are soon parted.

Smoked Salmon with Akame Herbs. Plump and beautifully smoked with the right touch of saltiness. I like the Ham Ham Sap Sap Salmon. And the meat. Beautiful springy texture. I would die for you... Sage

During one episode of his low periods when his "girlfriend" ran away after her father underwent a 250,000 baht operation, he called me up for some psychotherapy session over some drinks at Thonglor.

Girls, he said. Girls are just a life support system for the Pxxxy. Damn! Take away that, and you are left with a scheming, heartless cxxt.

You are just saying that because you have hit a bad patch, I said. Not all the girls are like that. Why are you looking for love in bars anyway. You know how these girls are?

Look. I am hitting 47 soon and am bald. Where can I get a nice looking girl for myself?

That's the problem, Robbie. You are obsessed with beauty. Why must you look for pretty, young things?

In my experience, all are equally bad. The older ones have a mouth too, in case you don't notice, he retorted. If I have to live with one, let it be pretty and young.

Nothing but the best and freshly baked loaves here. You are the bread of my life. Sage

Let me tell you a story, he added. Once in the Buriram, there was a very pretty girl who lived in an isolated village near the Cambodian border. She has never left the village before and was a simpleton. One day, she decided to take a trip to Bangkok. Armed with a 4 thousand bahts, she arrived at the bus station and started wondering around until she found herself at Saphan Kwai. She was fascinated by city life, with it's shining skyscrapers and imported goods from all over the world.

As she walked past some pubs, a group of men saw her and immediately identified her as a village girl. They were drinking some Johnny Walker Black Label, and beckoned to her and invited her to join them. "This is imported alcohol, try some!", they said. Being fed on moonshine since 15 years old and also naive and trusting, she joined the guys. She was floored by the taste. It did not burn like moonshine and the flavour was smoky and intoxicating. She gulped down every bit and soon fell into a drunken stupor.

The guys took advantage of her condition and gang banged her. She woke up later in the morning at a hotel and spent another uneventful day wandering around the city and went home.

When she arrived home, she told her mother about the wonderful sights of the city and described the big malls and beautiful clothes. But she was most excited about the whiskey. She described to her mother the taste and the smoothness and the generosity of the guys she met.

"Ma! You know how our cheap moonshine gives us a bad headache as a hangover in the morning? Well, this delicious 1500 Baht whiskey doesn't. I did not get a headache at all. But funny, it gives pain at the opposite side. I woke up with a pain down there!".

And what is the point of the story? I asked.

Sometimes, you are so infatuated and drunk with love, you wake up in misery and never realized you got banged.

Chicken Roulade with Foie and Goma Miso Sauce. The sauce was sheer delight. It was fragrant, savoury with a touch of wine in it. It is a new item. Kiss me again and again.... Sage

I have to admit, asking me to write about love is liking asking FBB to write about Shakespeare's Sonnets. Two rather incompatible things. I myself have no luck whatsoever in the same department. Women tend to criticize everything I do.

My choice of books, for example.

Why do you read such weird books. Can't you read something normal? Sometimes I want to find something to read from your bookshelf also cannot.

Normal? I replied indignantly. What is so abnormal about my books? I don't keep titles like how to murder your blabbering nit wit you call a girlfriend? Or the secret to Japanese Schoolgirl panties vending machine?

You have bad taste in books, she said. Nothing is readable. Sartre? Being and Nothingness? So boring. All the authors are unknowns.

Great. Miss Bimbo Yoyo, who thinks that Sidney Sheldon is the greatest novelist from the Western Hemisphere has turned into a book critic. I can just sympathize with you for being intellectually challenged, not having known Mann, Pynchon or Saramago. But must you make it so obvious and remind me of your disability?

Scallop Carpaccio with Truffle Butter. I nearly fainted when this was served. Beautiful with lots of truffle in the oil. Fresh and springy scallops. Oooh! How can I live without you? Sage.

And the insidious invasion of my cultural life start edging into sacred grounds. My preference for music. Back in the good old days before the appearance of ipods, the car used to be crammed with CDs. It started innocently enough.

I don't like the CDs you keep in the car. Do you have Westlife? If you don't, I can bring mine and we can listen to it when you fetch me to work. Fine. I bought a Westlife, thinking that one hour a day will not do much damage.

Your car is so dirty. I will help you clean it up. And the following day, after the clean up, I find my Kate Bush replaced with Maddona, Argerich replaced by Clayderman and Wynton Marsalis replaced with Kenny G. It was not a car cleaning session. It was an invasion. My car was totally purged of the music I like and replaced with Muzak.

I snuck in a couple of my own cds the next day and then, WW III.

Why can't you listen to good music? What is playing on the CD now? Who is this Glenn Gould playing on the piano? I don't know him. Play Clayderman. He is the best pianist around.

There. The "I step on your father's head" game has begun. To cut a long story short, after some banshee like screams with my prized 3 cd Elliot Gould Bach Inventions CD being the casualty, lying on the road side along Sukhumvit Road. She was kicked out mercilessly by me 500 meters away, with her miserable CDs, accompanied by the symphony wailing car horns in the traffic clogged road. The Jedis have triumphed, Aslan and his forces have won and the Wicked Witch has been driven out of Narnia. Bad music, I can tolerate. Bad opinions from a mindless twit? War! No retreat, no surrender. No regrets.

Artichoke Vichyssoise with Sea Scallops. The scallops were seared and cooked on top, but the bottom is still raw. The soup was light and creamy. A match made in Heaven. Sage.

And hence having survived a total invasion of my life just for some hours of carnal pleasure, I am now happily seduced by a Blackberry relationship. Very long distance and dirty weekends in hotels. Nobody touches my book, my CDs and DVDs. Bliss. And the phones can be silenced with a touch of a button. And for longer orgasm, I could read Molly Blooms soliloquy, the final passages from Ulysses by Joyce.

Calpis Bavarois with Dark Grapes Compote. Desserts at Sage is always a beautiful experience. From the warm Mint Sabayon to this. Sweet Love. Sage.

And what happened to poor Robbie? I just got an email from him. He will be getting married at the ripe age of 50 this coming April. He took my advice, enrolled for a Thai language course and dated this lovely girl working for McDonalds. From fast Sex joints he graduated to fast food. And he still drinks imported whiskey.

Me? I'll take the path less trodden and have openly declared my love for Sage in this blog. Lovely food, beautiful ambiance and faultless service. So far, their track record is unblemished.

Here's to you, you Horny Old Bastard! A Long Beautiful life with Nooi.

And A Gong Xi Fa Cai/Kong Hee Fatt Choy and Happy Valentine's to all.

Pastas in KL. New Rice, Old Rice, Jurrasic Rice?

(no pork served in all the joints)

Back in the land of Carbohydria, a species of Carb that had been lost since prehistoric times was rediscovered after years of storage at the labs. Risus Sardonicus was it's scientific name, but it was simply known as Jurassic Rice or Old Rice. He has caused quite a stir in it's youth but had thought to have outlived it's usefulness until the current ruler of Carbohydria thought he would use Old Rice as the Minister of Dissemination.

(For lazy readers. In case the irony of the name Risus Sardonicus is lost on those of you who are too lazy to type a few letters on Google, I will endeavor to explain it now. Risus Sardonicus or Sardonic Laughter is a condition characterized by the abnormal spasm of facial muscle which is sustained and results in a malevolent grin that renders the face scornful. It is characteristically found in patients who suffer from Tetanus which is pretty rare now, since almost every body has been immunized against tetanus, except for lofty Jurassic Politicians who may exhibit the scornful sneer when addressing lowly reporters. Ironically, Sardonic smile was first described by Homer when describing Odysseus' smile, because in Ancient Sardinia, it was believed that poisonous hemlock was given to the old and infirm, inducing a death facies that resembles a grin! Now, who says all that Greek Literature and History lessons are of no use? You can always act like a pompous snob. LOL)

Ravishing Ravioli with Hokkaido Scallop, Prawns and Lobster Bisque. From Sage.

The Kingdom of Carbohydria consists of many type of Carbs. Good Carbs, Bad Carbs and a myriad of species of other Carbs. Pasta and it's myriad of varieties made from durum, all type of wheat and semolina. The citizens or Carbohydria were living in relative harmony and peace and recently developed a sudden craze for learning the language of birds. Tweeting, if you may, to birds that flew across the country along their migratory paths. The birds, being chatter boxes, will carry the tweet along. Having bird brains and thus a small prefrontal lobe and an even smaller hippocampus, the birds were only able to to carry short messages, with 140 letters or less. None the less, the whole world was captivated by ths new bird language. The Kway Teows exchanged news with the Pad Thais up north, and the croissants in France were telling the Roti Chanai about Charlotte Gainsbrough's latest album. The world was happily tweeting away, 24/7.

Until one day, that is. Old Rice was rather cheesed by the attention given to this new language and ignoring his media babes of dissemination and pronounced that the Carbs of Carbohydria were spending too much time, aping the bad carbs from the west by learning this new bird speak and gawking at faecesbook. And users must upkeep the values of the respective religions of Carbohydria. And he accepted all that obsession with bird talk in a state of Cultural Shock. A rather sensible advice, if you ask the Android.

But the Carbs did not take it lightly. The whole country of Carbohydria was ablaze with the public lynching of poor Old Rice. They tweeted away with frenzy, starting the tweets with Ye Olde Rice... And the whole world was ablaze. Waffles and Pancakes from US of A was asking the Apams in Carbohydria who Old Rice was. It was both surreal and embarrassing.

Salacious Spaghetti with Pesto and Prawns. From Reggae Bar.

And being the inquisitive Android, true to my name, I sought out the carbs to find out why all the carbs were so sizzled by Old Rice. I started with Madam Ravioli. Instead of the traditional stuffed ravioli, we have two pieces of thin pasta shrouding an amazingly tasty ensemble of succulent prawns and perfectly seared Hokkaido Scallops bathed in an amazing Lobster Bisque. A truly beautiful creation and the epitome of fusion cooking.

-Gobbledygook Pushkins Poo... She said. Anybody but from him! Wasn't he the one who congratulated the shoe thrower for sniping the one bird in hand is worth two in the Bush with a shoe? Disgraceful. He has no right to take the uppity up up stand and talkity talk nonsen-such. Is shoe throwing at a proteinacious herbivore part of the uppity up up religious value? One thing I could never stand was to see a filthy, dirty old droogie, howling away at the filthy songs of his fathers and going blurp blurp in between as it might be a filthy old orchestra in his stinking, rotten guts. I could never stand to see anyone like that, whatever his age might be. Gobbledygook!

She sashayed sexily away, with the prawns playing peek a boo from her ravioli train.

(plagiarized in part from Anthony Burgess' A Clockwork Orange)

The next Carb I interviewed was the Salacious Spaghetti with Pesto and Prawns. Brawny, sexy and filled with taste, it was covered with a perfect home made pesto Sauce. All the ingredients were balanced with Basil, Garlic and Olive Oil harmoniously blended into a heavenly concoction that breathed life into the otherwise mundane spaghetti that you can get anywhere.

-Yes, yes, the advice on twitter was rather benign, Mr. Salacious said. But I just don't like that Old Rice. He inseminates before disseminating, and if there is one thing I hate, it is processed disseminated disseminates! Besides, we are facing numerous problems. The Atkins have inverted the food pyramid. From the secure bottom we have been edged out to squeeze at the puny tip on top! Isn't there enough problems already without them yobbing about tweets and faecesbook? Shhesh!

Mr. Salacious left in a huff, and left with a trail of Pesto following him....

Capricious Capellini with Trio of Seafood and Togarashi. From Sage.

The parade continued with Miss Capricious Capellini, an elegant Pasta. Fine and dainty, it was laden with the fruits of the sea. Scallop, Prawns and fish and Topped with Togarashi or Japanese 7 Flavours Chilli Pepper. Each morsel bursting with flavour and tinged with slight fiery spiciness that was seductively intoxicating.

-Smegmus Facies! Thay's how I would describe that wailing jurassic entity! Before he said anything about the bird language and faecesbook, I already made up my mind that he was and arrogant airhead. I saw him in yuuble tubies, his Risus Sardonicus flashed at the reporter from the Daily Planet. His sneer! Changing Modes indeed. I will a la mode his smegmus facies with freshly made chocolate truffles from my throne room! Bah! Taking the Moral Highground. Risus Sardonicus facies fecundis... Sign of an ailment indeed!

And she pranced away, spirited and carefree, yarbling the new bird language on her mobile...

Fastidious Fusilli with Pesto From Vineria.

Dr. Fastidious Fusilli rolled in with lots of pesto and tomato mix. Herbal and fresh at the same time, it was plain, but excellent.

-A glaring display of a disease of those in power today. Flip flopping inconsistency. Censor one day, no censor the next, and get upset when reporters ask them about the flip flops. We are not Mohingyas! (a noodle soup from Myanmar). Those in power have been employing a lot of unnecessary carbs exhibiting signs of a variant of the Hands, Foot and Mouth disease. It's the Hands and Foot in the mouth disease. Easy cure for this cocksuckie viral affliction, easy cure. Just drop the arrogance and think before you speak. Nobody can be right all the time. Think before you speak. La Maladie du jour. A contagious malady......

And the Fastidious Fusilli rolled out gravely, shaking it's head.

There you have it. The Carbs were Cheesed off because of not of what was being said. It was because of who said it and how it was said. Simple.

*This is a work of fiction and any similarity with with other person, alive or dead is purely coincidental* :p

Now, time for the advertorial.



A Clockwork Orange, by Anthony Burgess. A very philosophical book about Morality, Goodness and Free Will. It questions the abuse of liberty and the dangers of a totalitarian government. Very good read. There is also a very, very watchable film version by Stanley Kubrick which is the first film to be produced in Dolby. Shout out to me if you wanna borrow it. And the poster above is the stage version from Norway in 2007.

Peace out.

Sage,
6th Floor, The Gardens,
Mid Valley City,
Lingkaran Syed Putra,
59200 Kuala Lumpur.
Tel: 603 2268 1188

Vineria
G-133, Bangsar Shopping Centre, KL.

Reggae Bar 2
Changkat Bukit Bintang