Monday, February 1, 2010

Pastas in KL. New Rice, Old Rice, Jurrasic Rice?

(no pork served in all the joints)

Back in the land of Carbohydria, a species of Carb that had been lost since prehistoric times was rediscovered after years of storage at the labs. Risus Sardonicus was it's scientific name, but it was simply known as Jurassic Rice or Old Rice. He has caused quite a stir in it's youth but had thought to have outlived it's usefulness until the current ruler of Carbohydria thought he would use Old Rice as the Minister of Dissemination.

(For lazy readers. In case the irony of the name Risus Sardonicus is lost on those of you who are too lazy to type a few letters on Google, I will endeavor to explain it now. Risus Sardonicus or Sardonic Laughter is a condition characterized by the abnormal spasm of facial muscle which is sustained and results in a malevolent grin that renders the face scornful. It is characteristically found in patients who suffer from Tetanus which is pretty rare now, since almost every body has been immunized against tetanus, except for lofty Jurassic Politicians who may exhibit the scornful sneer when addressing lowly reporters. Ironically, Sardonic smile was first described by Homer when describing Odysseus' smile, because in Ancient Sardinia, it was believed that poisonous hemlock was given to the old and infirm, inducing a death facies that resembles a grin! Now, who says all that Greek Literature and History lessons are of no use? You can always act like a pompous snob. LOL)

Ravishing Ravioli with Hokkaido Scallop, Prawns and Lobster Bisque. From Sage.

The Kingdom of Carbohydria consists of many type of Carbs. Good Carbs, Bad Carbs and a myriad of species of other Carbs. Pasta and it's myriad of varieties made from durum, all type of wheat and semolina. The citizens or Carbohydria were living in relative harmony and peace and recently developed a sudden craze for learning the language of birds. Tweeting, if you may, to birds that flew across the country along their migratory paths. The birds, being chatter boxes, will carry the tweet along. Having bird brains and thus a small prefrontal lobe and an even smaller hippocampus, the birds were only able to to carry short messages, with 140 letters or less. None the less, the whole world was captivated by ths new bird language. The Kway Teows exchanged news with the Pad Thais up north, and the croissants in France were telling the Roti Chanai about Charlotte Gainsbrough's latest album. The world was happily tweeting away, 24/7.

Until one day, that is. Old Rice was rather cheesed by the attention given to this new language and ignoring his media babes of dissemination and pronounced that the Carbs of Carbohydria were spending too much time, aping the bad carbs from the west by learning this new bird speak and gawking at faecesbook. And users must upkeep the values of the respective religions of Carbohydria. And he accepted all that obsession with bird talk in a state of Cultural Shock. A rather sensible advice, if you ask the Android.

But the Carbs did not take it lightly. The whole country of Carbohydria was ablaze with the public lynching of poor Old Rice. They tweeted away with frenzy, starting the tweets with Ye Olde Rice... And the whole world was ablaze. Waffles and Pancakes from US of A was asking the Apams in Carbohydria who Old Rice was. It was both surreal and embarrassing.

Salacious Spaghetti with Pesto and Prawns. From Reggae Bar.

And being the inquisitive Android, true to my name, I sought out the carbs to find out why all the carbs were so sizzled by Old Rice. I started with Madam Ravioli. Instead of the traditional stuffed ravioli, we have two pieces of thin pasta shrouding an amazingly tasty ensemble of succulent prawns and perfectly seared Hokkaido Scallops bathed in an amazing Lobster Bisque. A truly beautiful creation and the epitome of fusion cooking.

-Gobbledygook Pushkins Poo... She said. Anybody but from him! Wasn't he the one who congratulated the shoe thrower for sniping the one bird in hand is worth two in the Bush with a shoe? Disgraceful. He has no right to take the uppity up up stand and talkity talk nonsen-such. Is shoe throwing at a proteinacious herbivore part of the uppity up up religious value? One thing I could never stand was to see a filthy, dirty old droogie, howling away at the filthy songs of his fathers and going blurp blurp in between as it might be a filthy old orchestra in his stinking, rotten guts. I could never stand to see anyone like that, whatever his age might be. Gobbledygook!

She sashayed sexily away, with the prawns playing peek a boo from her ravioli train.

(plagiarized in part from Anthony Burgess' A Clockwork Orange)

The next Carb I interviewed was the Salacious Spaghetti with Pesto and Prawns. Brawny, sexy and filled with taste, it was covered with a perfect home made pesto Sauce. All the ingredients were balanced with Basil, Garlic and Olive Oil harmoniously blended into a heavenly concoction that breathed life into the otherwise mundane spaghetti that you can get anywhere.

-Yes, yes, the advice on twitter was rather benign, Mr. Salacious said. But I just don't like that Old Rice. He inseminates before disseminating, and if there is one thing I hate, it is processed disseminated disseminates! Besides, we are facing numerous problems. The Atkins have inverted the food pyramid. From the secure bottom we have been edged out to squeeze at the puny tip on top! Isn't there enough problems already without them yobbing about tweets and faecesbook? Shhesh!

Mr. Salacious left in a huff, and left with a trail of Pesto following him....


Capricious Capellini with Trio of Seafood and Togarashi. From Sage.

The parade continued with Miss Capricious Capellini, an elegant Pasta. Fine and dainty, it was laden with the fruits of the sea. Scallop, Prawns and fish and Topped with Togarashi or Japanese 7 Flavours Chilli Pepper. Each morsel bursting with flavour and tinged with slight fiery spiciness that was seductively intoxicating.

-Smegmus Facies! Thay's how I would describe that wailing jurassic entity! Before he said anything about the bird language and faecesbook, I already made up my mind that he was and arrogant airhead. I saw him in yuuble tubies, his Risus Sardonicus flashed at the reporter from the Daily Planet. His sneer! Changing Modes indeed. I will a la mode his smegmus facies with freshly made chocolate truffles from my throne room! Bah! Taking the Moral Highground. Risus Sardonicus facies fecundis... Sign of an ailment indeed!

And she pranced away, spirited and carefree, yarbling the new bird language on her mobile...

Fastidious Fusilli with Pesto From Vineria.

Dr. Fastidious Fusilli rolled in with lots of pesto and tomato mix. Herbal and fresh at the same time, it was plain, but excellent.

-A glaring display of a disease of those in power today. Flip flopping inconsistency. Censor one day, no censor the next, and get upset when reporters ask them about the flip flops. We are not Mohingyas! (a noodle soup from Myanmar). Those in power have been employing a lot of unnecessary carbs exhibiting signs of a variant of the Hands, Foot and Mouth disease. It's the Hands and Foot in the mouth disease. Easy cure for this cocksuckie viral affliction, easy cure. Just drop the arrogance and think before you speak. Nobody can be right all the time. Think before you speak. La Maladie du jour. A contagious malady......

And the Fastidious Fusilli rolled out gravely, shaking it's head.

There you have it. The Carbs were Cheesed off because of not of what was being said. It was because of who said it and how it was said. Simple.

*This is a work of fiction and any similarity with with other person, alive or dead is purely coincidental* :p

Now, time for the advertorial.



A Clockwork Orange, by Anthony Burgess. A very philosophical book about Morality, Goodness and Free Will. It questions the abuse of liberty and the dangers of a totalitarian government. Very good read. There is also a very, very watchable film version by Stanley Kubrick which is the first film to be produced in Dolby. Shout out to me if you wanna borrow it. And the poster above is the stage version from Norway in 2007.

Peace out.

Sage,
6th Floor, The Gardens,
Mid Valley City,
Lingkaran Syed Putra,
59200 Kuala Lumpur.
Tel: 603 2268 1188

Vineria
G-133, Bangsar Shopping Centre, KL.

Reggae Bar 2
Changkat Bukit Bintang

10 comments:

fatboybakes said...

this is one of my favourite lines:
"He inseminates before disseminating, and if there is one thing I hate, it is processed disseminated disseminates!"

guffaw, this is truly sheeeer brilliance. i humbly genuflect before the master of prose and satire. i think old rice is not worthy of having such brilliance wasted in his name.

by the way, the food pics, awesome!!!! i could lick my screen!

CUMI & CIKI said...

yar! i love the same line from ahpa .. so cool! mwuahaha


bow bow bow :P

Sean said...

heheh, this post really deserves to be published in a magazine somewhere...
i've never read 'a clockwork orange' but i love the movie, even though it totally defiled 'singin' in the rain,' one of my favourite songs =)

UnkaLeong said...

Phwar! I totally echo Sean. This deserves to be published!

Can I borrow the book and the DVD please? ;)

thule a.k.a leo said...

If only I can write as good as you :)

minchow said...

For the longest time I wanted to be Alex DeLarge. Aggression and foulness never seemed so... RIGHT! You're pulling all our legs aren't you? You're really a secret writer or comedy commentator masquerading as an android.

thenomadGourmand said...

I really spent the most time on yr post than any other of the 50 blogs I read!
Such originality, such sarcasm & such prose!

What did yr parents feed you/yr brain when u r young???
Is it too late for a 28y/o???

Thailand Club said...

reading ur post is like reading a section from (ur) pocket book, maybe times to hv ur blog go to a publication :)

Paranoid Android said...

@FBB: Haiyo. You are the sifu of humorous posts la.

@Ciki: Like Father like daughter lor.

@Sean: Thanks for the compliments, mate. I don't think I can quiet my day job just yet. :p

@Unka: The DVD, ok. But the book is being circulated around.

Thule: But you do write well.

@Min: Am still trying to picture you in a bowler hat. No, I am just a silly android.

@Nomad: Same as what your parents fed you la. Lots of love and lots of books.

@TC: Ha ha. Let's go eat around Bangkok and publish a book together?

Nigel A. Skelchy said...

Love this post Marvin! ;-) You write soooo well. :-)

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